I’ve come almost full circle on my opinion of needing social support for weight loss.
Personally I don’t want (or like) social support.
Because my diet is my business.
It creeps me out that people feel the need to discuss how I eat or what I eat.
One of the things I like the most about Eat Stop Eat is that it can be private.
I eat when I want, and I don’t eat when it fits my schedule.
This is what works for me…and it works really well.
(I’ve been at my ‘goal weight’ for almost 5 years straight.)
Now, for some people, social support is important
Having all of your friends and family, and coworkers and Facebook friends and twitter buddies knowing that you are trying lose weight… some people may need this.
But for others, (like me)… I enjoy knowing what works for me, and while I enjoy the support, I have found that support and lecturing are pretty close cousins.
I accept the fact that some people may think that sugar is poison and that they choose to live their lives eating almost zero sugar or refined carbohydrates…
I accept that fact that some people may be vegetarian, or vegan…
I accept the fact that some people think fruits and vegetables are actually bad for you, while others eat almost ONLY fruit…
I accept the fact that some people out there are essentially Carnivores.
I’m cool with it.
But, I want to live life and lose weight while eating brownies occasionally, drinking scotch occasionally, and eating without hesitation. I also want to fast without needing to explain myself.
This is what I want.
True social supports is accepting this, not lecturing on it.
So here’s my take…
True social support is just that…support, and this is extremely rare…since ‘social support’ seems to have become…’I support you but you’re doing it wrong’…
And sometimes the best support comes from having the ability to keep things to yourself that you want kept private.
After all, a really good diet plan shouldn’t require you to have to broadcast it to the world in order for it to be effective.
BP
PS- What’s your take? Do you like social support or do you prefer to keep your diet private?
Tags: Fat loss, social support, Social support for weight loss, support groups, Weight loss
Good post Brad.
I think that if you discuss your diet with other people you might just get thousands of questions and hear things like “That’s bad for you”, “You shouldn’t do that”, “Have a blood test”, “Let me now in 6 months how your body is doing” etc because what is healthy eating to one might be poison to some other.
You might get some support but that support might as well become annoying if it becomes bad support instead like everyone’s against you and so on…
So what is healthy eating actually? Shouldn’t it be eating what makes you feel great, really?
Is there really things as bad food and good food? (Ofc chemical, unnatural food can’t be good) but macronutrients and food categories in general…
Paul
I would be nowhere without support, because it is just too easy to eat that pint of ice cream or skip my workout due to being stressed, tried, or just sick of trying so hard with such slow results. However, the type of support is important. My main support is from sparkpeople.com (a free weight loss site and community) where we help each other get motivated, celebrate victories, and challenge each other to do more of what we need to do. The people in my support system don’t judge my ways, and I don’t judge theirs. Also, the thing that motivates me the most when I’m feeling like it’s not worth it is going to motivate others who feel the same way.
I’m a solo exerciser (don’t need/want a pal to get up in the wee morning hours and run with me, and don’t want my kids even watching me lift) and a solo dieter. It’s a personal, not a group project. I don’t want the hoards to comment when I gain a little, and I don’t want them to comment when I lose a little.
Keep it private. It’s not only the lecturing, it’s the obsessive nature of the conversation. With the same people. All the time. I wouldn’t mind losing some weight but do we really need to make that the primary focus 24/7?
Like you I don’t really need social support, but, I can understand why others do need it. After years of over-indulging and bad habits, some people find the “gentle” nudge of a dear confidant can help move them in the right direction or remind them when they falter.
There’s actually another kind of social support that may be more subtle – i.e. the disgusted looks on the faces around you as you roll your fat butt out of the car or from the person you are cramming your bulk next to on the airplane, in the theater, etc. Some may even be bold enough to verbalize their disgust.
The positive side is when you do Eat Stop Eat (or any other weight loss lifestyle) and you get the positive reinforcement of them telling you how awesome you look or even just raising their eyebrow in approval. Bringin sexy back!
I must admit that I like the latter.
Oh this is good.
It’s nice to get support in a general kind of way, but I do NOT want to hear crap about the details of my eating plan. No one’s biz but my own yes?
Brilliant post.
I am eat stop eating as we speak!
Oh and the best is when they say they don’t understand why you look so good when you are always eating “junk” food – must be the high motabolism!
Little do they know that the secret is simple….ESE!
[quote]“So here’s my take…
True social support is just that…support, and this is extremely rare…since ’social support’ seems to have become…’I support you but you’re doing it wrong’…”[/quote]
Your above-quote expresses something I have frequently experienced.
When my body provides me with positive Results (weight loss/maintenance)
from my positive Behaviors…(i.e. diet and exercise),
the only support I am interested in is admiration,
but there are times when my positive Behaviors do not seem to be bringing me the positive Results to which I feel entitled, and THEN is the time I feel vulnerable and needy…and desperately seek encouragement and reasonable solutions.
Nice chart. You learn how to do that in grad school?
Social support can also mean not talking about nutrition at all.
it can be everything from “not being a jerk about your decisions” to “making folks happy so they don’t eat because they are stressed”. doesn’t have to mean 20 people analyzing your diet.
Great post as usual.
I don’t need or want social support because my experience has been similar in that the typical social support I get is never support. It’s more like social criticism. It’s a topic that everyone has an opinion on.
It’s even worse when I tell people about ESE. I don’t just go around telling people about it because of past reaction but sometimes the topic is unavoidable. Friends will see me losing weight and ask how I’m doing it. So I’m forced to either lie or get into some debate about fasting being bad for you.
Hey Brad,
I think a lot of people THINK they want social support, but it ends up being an excuse for cyclical behavior, crash dieting, and a lack of results. The buddy you argue with about nutrition is just a crutch to never stick to one diet plan or lifestyle that personally fits YOUR definition of health. When you can blame confusion, you don’t have to blame yourself for a lack of results.
If you’re not losing weight, it’s never because you haven’t read enough. It’s because you’re too busy reading to actually do something about it.
Awesome point CB…
True Social Support can be boiled down to ‘acceptance from the people you need acceptance from.’
B
I even do the same with training…when people ask me ‘how often do you workout” I know it’s a loaded question…so I typically answer “when I get the chance” as opposed to having to explain my entire workout program…
B
Ends up being the “crabs in a bucket phenomena”
B
Great point on the admiration..it’s the one way you can get social proof AND social support at the same time!
Lots of people I know think I’m lean because I’m ‘high energy’ if they only knew….
B
Nice.
Actually I enjoy talking ‘diet’ with people on topics like “Oh that looks delecious..what is it” or “how did you cook that” basically..talking diet should be food, not physiology.
B
This reminds me of the anti-war people who said “I’m against the war, but I support the troops.” If you don’t support what I’m doing, then you don’t support me.
Great post!! I agree 100% with your take on the social support. I love keeping it to myself because I know they (i.e. friends and family) won’t understand or accept it. Every time I’m fasting the All American Rejects song always comes to mind…”I”ll keep you my dirty little secret……Don’t tell anyone or you’ll be just another regret…” Feels great and I love it!
Thanks Brad.
Jenny
I relate to this post quite a bit. I exercise and eat the way I do for personal reasons. I don’t require external motivation to workout or keep on track with my meals. What works well for one person may not for another, which is something I bring up a lot whenever I discuss nutrition (for coversation sake) at work. I have some family genetics that “require” me to follow a healthy diet, but that does not mean I exclude foods or find them evil. I’m also a firm beliver in moderation, be it sugar, alcohol, or even “healthy foods”. It is possible to eat anything in excess, be overweight, and possibly suffer consequences from that. Michael Pollan’s recommendation to “eat food, not too much” goes a long way in terms of moderation and being sensible about food.
Hi Brad!
I must say that I love your work and ESE of life!
How many days to you recommend to wait between 2 fasts in a week? (Never in a row, I know but is one day of waiting enough?). Like fast on Monday, normal on Tuesday then fast on Wednesday?
Or do you recommend waiting 2-3 days between fasts, so that you can refill glycogen stores (if you for instance train intensely 4 times a week, or not?)
What your thoughts on this? I would love to know thanks!
/Joe
Since starting the Eat Stop Eat lifestyle, my friends have not been supportive at all.
Full blown arguments have surrounded fasting, people saying things like “you need to eat” and offering to eat with me.
Maybe I should tell people I’m fasting when I’m not, then I can go out to a restaurant with a friend, “social support” when you’re not fasting
When trying to lose weight I need support from one person only, and that is my boyfriend. The kind of support I need is that he doesn’t fill the cupboards and fridge with the food I find the most tempting, or cooks something delicious but calorie-loaded that I’m guilted into eating on the days I try to keep my intake low.
When it comes to working out, it’s a two way thing. Working out with my boyfriend makes it easier to stick to a steady workout plan of 2x per week most of the time. But it also makes it easier to skip a workout if he for some reason can’t work out with me.
Other than that, the support I need the most is comments from people who think I look good these days. If they ask what I’ve done, I really enjoy telling them casually that “oh, I just skip breakfast and don’t workout that much anymore”. Since they were the ones to comment that I look good, they can’t easily start arguing that what I do is probably bad for me
Great Post Brad!
I am one that also agrees with keeping my ESE lifestyle to myself. I am one of those people that is called “too skinny”and it would cause such a ruckus if I told anyone what I was doing. I am almost 5’8 and was 143 lbs last week, but after 2 fasting days, and exhilarating workouts, I am down to 139 already.
The strange thing for me is, I feel MORE energy when exercising during a fast, then I do on eating days. Go figure
I am living this lifestyle for me, not for my friends and family. I want to feel better about me, not to just blindly accept what others perception of me is.
in your graph you were at the bulking phase and it was before the eatstopeat, so you went through the bulking phase like everyone else is trying to do before they get into get ripped phase, from your all old post it would be wise to say that the bulking phase in not necessary when doing eatstopeat, how would you approach the muscle building if you would know about ESE at that time? Would you still go through bulking?
I agree – I do not want to discuss my diet. Someone always has something negative to say. I do like having a work out buddy and accountability partner at the gym. She helps keep me motivated and I work harder than I would by myself. My best friend needs this encouragement as well. She weighed 300 lbs and has recently lost 45 lbs due to exercise and diet. We do not discuss the details of her diet but we focus on overcoming her food addictions. She realizes it’s not as much about the food she’s eating, as much as the emotional reasons she overeats. Each person knows what they need socially or not. I say whatever works for you – great!
Doesn’t this blog count as “social support”?
I love ESE and it has made a big impact on how I look at food and eating, but I do recognize that it is not for everyone. I don’t really talk about it because I don’t want to spend my time with friends arguing about metabolism. That gets old fast!
On the other hand, it works so well I often get the urge to spread the word about fasting. I know so many people who are struggling with thier weight and I know ESE would work for them.
So I guess I on on the fence about this one.
I love the support I get here from like minded fasters. Brad, I love your e mails and links. This is all the support I need.
Could I continue to do this on my own? Probably, but I am glad this blog is here to keep me in touch. It is nice to know I am not the only one out there fasting!
I’m a single guy, fasting two or even three days a week is easy: no cooking, no cleaning. When visiting friends I eat whenever they offer. If I want ice cream, I eat ice cream. If I want veggies, I have a veggie garden right outside. Meat? I eat it when it’s available. All in all I eat whatever I want to eat. I don’t worry about it.
I hate working out, but luckily my job requires me to lift heavy objects, so I’m getting something there. After a year of fasting I’m at 218 lbs. I started at 262 lbs. So, I’m not even follow Eat Stop Eat fully. It’s somewhere between ESE and intermittent fasting. Who cares? The weight is coming off.
Right on, right on. Life is just simpler when you don’t tell people. I’ve dropped 55 lbs since September doing IF, and most people have no clue as to what I’m doing. I eat socially with people, and when the opportunity presents itself, I skip meals. Been working great!
“Social Support” just complicates things and makes it harder for me, not easier.
Bart,
If I could do it all over again, I would have NEVER done that bulking phase. I think I point this out in Eat Stop Eat, but during the bulking phase, my Lean Body Mass never changed.
My personal opinion, bulking works great when you are on steroids, but only makes you fat and heavy when you aren’t.
B
Support in the form of a workout partner has always help get my body to the gym and I have been in the best shape of my life when I have been pushed and held accountable. Diet is another story; since I am the only one putting food in my mouth(I have been feeding myself for many years) who else needs to know what I put in it; how much I put in it or when I put it in? Sure if one meets people socially they are aware; but if one goes to a social function and fasts, you are asking for the feedback.
I have lost around 20lbs in the last year with ESE on and off and have been sick less and have more energy when I do ESE.(Typically the day AFTER a fast – I am curious about other’s energy levels) When I started I did not want to lose weight since I thought 6’1″ and 210lbs is a good athletic build; I started since Brad stated in his research the process creates HGH in one’s body.
Different strokes…..
Doing it all by myself led to me weighing 265 # with bp probs etc, scared and frustrated.
Someone pointed me at the weight watchers system and I thrived on it. In 11 months I lost 77 pounds, and have kept that off for 4 years.
I really enjoyed the social aspects both for the support and learning from others’ experience. It worked for me, real well.
Whatever your approach keep on studying and learning…because it really is all in your mind.
I think the difference between this blog and “social support” is that this blog (hopefully) exemplifies “Social Acceptance”, which at least for me, is what I really want.
B
In regards to Social Support, at the very beginning I was excited about the eating plan – so when someone said something to me about losing weight, I told them about it – they flat out said “that’s not healthy” I tried to explain that it is – and they cut me off again stating “no – that’s not healthy” so I just left it at that.
I learned from that mistake. It’s frustrating, mainly because I’ve been struggling with losing and gaining weight my entire life – and I have stumbled across the easiest way to lose weight – and I want to shout it from the roof tops, and tell everyone I know who has ever struggled, and yet people fight me about it. ….So I keep my mouth shut. I feel like I’m doing a huge disservice to them – but I guess we all just need to figure it out on our own.
But lucky for me – my biggest support system is my Fiance, Ben. When I came across Eat Stop Eat, I bought the book, and then read it out loud to him – he’s always up for trying new things, and the science and research all made sense, so he has been doing the Eat Stop Eat system with me from day one – we support each other. I have other people in my life who notice my weight loss (I’ve gone from a 14 to 10 since January), and they ask what I’m doing – but I simply respond that Ben and I are just very active, and we’re eating right (meaning Eat Stop Eat… but they have no idea).
“Support” is definitely a double edged sword – so I prefer to just keep my amazing weight loss system to myself – I share it with my fiance, and that’s all the support I need. But on the same note – this blog is also a support system, as all the people on here have figured out and understood the simple ESE system – we get it, we like it, and we support people using it.
(also as a side note – Since discovering this eating system I have lost 10 lbs WAY easier than the first 7 I struggled for before I read the book!)
My best girlfriend and I are sharing what we eat every day, just between ourselves. We know that we won’t judge each other, and it seems to help keep me on the straight and narrow. I can’t count the number of times she’s told me how proud of me she is, and that’s when I wasn’t losing weight. So there’s no need to share on Facebook or any other place.
My sister and brother-in-law also use ESE and they are the best support system. Just a little encouragement here or there and is all it takes, for the most part. I have been going to the gym for lunch on the days that I fast, so the folks at work don’t wonder too much why I am not eating. I also fast for religious reasons as well, so most of the people in my life accept that I don’t eat all of the time and that has been very helpful. Since I love food, most people aren’t too worried that I am starving myself
Hard to argue with your success – liked the post
BP…
If we do a little word substitutions, I think we get what we want.
Instead of “social support” think “masterminding”
Just like instead of “fasting” think “taking a break from eating” (your words)
So in the case of Melissa above, it’s not the “social support” its the “guidance and support of like minded people” (which in essense, is masterminding).
But other than your mastermind group… it’s just better to not tell anyone what you’re doing. too much potential for sabotage.
B
I lose weight on my own. The only person involved in my diet is me…. oh and my everloving who cooks my meals.
I usually don’t discuss my eating habits, as someone else who craves junk food will invariably comment with “Come on, you can afford to eat this, you workout, one time won’t kill you, etc,” when they are attempting to justify their own bad habits and assuage their own decisions. They never realize discipline and commitment takes more than giving in because there is a group stampede headed for the daily ice cream and donut ritual.
Social acceptance, that’s a good term. I think these blogs provide that. It’s all I need. There are only two people who know that I’m losing weight, and they’ve been fine. All I need from them is politeness, and to be understanding when I turn down food. They’ve done that. The last thing we need is conflict from people around us when we’re trying to lose weight. One could always use vague terms like “eat less” if people ask you what you’re doing. They’re not entitled to know more than that.
I admit to using Twitter to post my weight loss progress. I like to post my weight two or three times a week. Of course, I don’t have many “followers,” so not many people actually see it. There hasn’t been any negativity. It’s like a journal, so I guess I find some sort of enjoyment in documenting the changes. It’s also public, so perhaps there’s some accountability in that. I dunno, I just like it.
Great post.
personally i feel a coach who has mastered the eating/exercise plan you are on and is willing to help you keep your motivation high is excellent support.
As for a group…never going that route again.
When I initially read ESE, I thought it was too extreme. Six months later my brother read it and found it intriguing. I dusted off my copy and took a second look. We talked through the science and logic and decided it would work for both of us. Even though we live far apart, it was helpful to have someone to bounce ideas off of and know they were doing the same thing (kinda like this board …) Since we both agree with the philosophy, it was acceptance, not criticism.
With friends and family, however, things are different. We don’t really tell anyone what we’re doing because they just want to critique — even though we are the ones having success and they are not!! Even my doctor. I showed up 6 months later and 30lb lighter and the first thing she asked me was how much I was exercising. When I couldn’t recite to her a specific workout schedule but instead insisted “diet is 90% of fat loss” she (and I really like her too!) proclaimed it’s just not possible. I just shrugged and pointed to the numbers on her chart and my belly and smaller pants. We quietly agreed to disagree and moved on.
It is helping me to know this is not some crazy extreme thing I’m doing, and now I pretty much keep it to myself. It’s working for me: it saves me time, makes my schedule more flexible and I’m losing weight!
Though I know my family is behind me, they are 2 states away and really have nothing to do with my daily diet and exercise program. As a previous poster said, the only support I really need is from my boyfriend so that we can agree on menus, etc. and know that I’ll be wanting to be active on the weekends.
As for the gym, I’d love someone to go with but not necessarily specifically work out with just to keep me accountable. If someone is waiting for me, I’m much more apt to show up. I feel like I just need to get past this and be able to go on my own. I just don’t have that discipline yet.
Thanks for all the great info, Brad!!
I started off 2009 with keeping my diet and workouts fairly quiet and just enjoyed the odd comment about how good I was looking but this year, as I started a blog to document my continued progress, I guess I was looking for social acceptance/support from a larger audience. No negativity as yet but I do get the occasional raised eyebrow if I say I’m fasting. Not being doing IF long enough to say if it is helping my progress but I’m sure I’ll notice soon enough.
Sometimes I get social support without asking for it as in from my wife “why are you having that drink, I thought you were trying to lose weight”! I don’t really want that although at times it does make me stop and think if I really want it and usually the answer is yes. My current goal is to see how much wine I can drink with dinner most nights (within reason) and still lose weight doing eat stop eat 2 days/week. It’s a tough chore, but so far I’ve lost 6 lbs in the last 2 months and haven’t missed having my wine with dinner most nights. When you’re 69 years old giving up something you really like for a reason I find hard to come up with is very challenging and so far I’ve failed.
I really 100% agree with this.
Almost a year ago I was doing a low-carb diet, and got some very mediocre results (eating every three hours and all that BS). How was my social support network? “Dude you’re taking this too far”
“Don’t let it get to your head, it’s not healthy” “You shouldn’t take things to such extremes” “That’ll never work”.
NOTHING. Well, my best friends did cheer me on, but when you’re eating like that you have to explain it to EVERYONE (and most people just get jealous because you’re actually taking responsibillity for your health).
When I started doing ESE, people would as me “Aren’t you on a cut?” when I was out drinking. People would start accusing me of having genetics that would let me eat whatever I want, and start lecturing me about carb sensitivity.
Now the results speak for themselves. My best support was a weekly picture I took during my cut (and still am occationally), even my log on a fitness forum (which was a very open experiment on IFing) got crowded with haters telling me how I would get better results the way everyone else were doing it.
They ate their words as well in the end.
Go Pilon!
my mom thought i was crazy when i told her i had not eaten since yesterday at 6:00pm. my husband supports me 100% bc. i have explained the ese lifestyle to him.
Brad, Joe asked about fasting on amonday and then again on a wednesday. is that ample time to refill glycogen stores? your thoughts please???
I don’t feel the need to talk about it to anyone after I tried to discuss it with a few people in the beginning and got a few raised eyebrows and lectured on how it is bad for me and will make me binge in the end..and how my metabolism will just “shut down” haha ya right, I am just content now keeping it to myself and enjoying my fastinging days..I find I am happier on those days w/ more energy..I almost don’t like to see the clock roll around to lunch time on my eating days…don’t get me wrong I LOVE food and I eat totally normal and healthy, just love the energy on fasting days : )
I think it’s fine if the support is positive, other than that one has to take responsibility for ones own habits. I share ese with those i think can benefit from it and possibly want some help with weight loss. Mostly i keep it to myself.
I’m with Brad.
Social Support usually veers into lecturing/constructive criticism….been there, done that.
I keep it private and know what works for me….ESE works for me! I take two breaks from eating weekly – usually dinner time to dinner time the next day and this is hardly noticed by those in my social circle. I am a mom of 3 teens & they are in school so it has not effected eating at dinnertime with them and my husband (which is important to us as a family).
As a Worship Pastor the facts of ESE and the proven benefits to one’s health have not only supported what I had believed from The Bible about fasting but had shied away from practicing in the past because of misleading info out there about what fasting does to one’s physical body…..but the truth of the ESE Lifestyle has enabled me to come back to my fundamental belief that Intermittent Fasting is not only a solid spiritual tool, but also a healthy physical tool – that if practiced has such a wide range of benefits – spirit, soul and body.
I have more freedom with this lifestyle of eating than I have ever had on any diet or nutrition plan, and I am not stressed while enjoying the meals I do eat! I have great energy to do about an hour of resistance training on the days that I do break from eating. The greatest advantages of ESE for me is not having to obsess about when/what I do eat, and not having to explain my choices when I am dining with people. Food should never hold a place of obsession, or even stress, in one’s life – whether in counting calories, pairing choices, or in tediously scheduling when to eat what. AND I really appreciate the privacy of ESE. I have gained back my confidence in making good food choices (without even having to really think about it) with this lifestyle and the weight loss results are steady and speak for themselves. Oh, and the guiltless joy of a brownie or chocolate chip cookie warm from the oven every now and then with my boys….that speaks for itself !
Thanks Brad & to all of you for your comments…..I have enjoyed reading them!
All GOD’s richest blessings to you & yours!
I find that ‘support’ tends to verge on nagging and not really support at all. I recently returned to being vegetarian and I am very pleased that my husband merely wants to know what he can cook for me for special events and what to buy for groceries. He is especially grateful that I do not expect or request that he follow suit
At one time in our relationship he would question everything that went into my mouth as his form of support. I am very very grateful that he got over that. Now I don’t talk about loosing weight, just being healthy and comfortable in my body. The result is that I don’t get nagged when I eat something “bad” for me.
I recently started trying IF, so I do not claim to know much and I havent done the ‘transition’ work in my psyche yet to be successful. I can say that by not eating for 14-16 hrs per day and not gorging on food when I did eat, lost 10# and saw my blood glucose normalize.(I am diabetic) I then sabotaged all I had accomplished and two weeks later I am back where I started. There is one thing which has changed, I now know that,even in small doses, IF works. I now have to deal with the fact that I have a major psychological shift to make to eliminate the destructive behavior. I stopped smoking 28 yrs ago, drinking 21 yrs ago and the major threat to my well being now is morbid obesity. At 5’9″ tall and 285+ I am in need of some help. I have begun to not punish myself for failure, and am fortunate to have a group of friends who encourage me and dont judge me, either way. These folks know how devastating criticism can be and how difficult it is to create positive change in ones own life. THESE are the type people who make up a real support group, not those who refuse to understand and encourage. Its just a matter of picking the right kind of friends, those who will have your back when you need it most. We are fortunate to live in a time where we can all voice our concerns and opinions anytime and there will be someone to hear us. The trick is to tune out the naysayers and haters and listen and learn from people who want us to succeed. We are all private people, but we can learn to let in the right sort of people and enrich our lives. Thats how strong relationships form. Thanks for reading my comments and please wish me luck…….Charlie
Hey Brad, just wanted to know your opinion on fasting while recovering from illness. I just got over pnuemonia a little over a week ago and started fasting when I was “cleared” though still needed to “take it easy.” I stopped the workouts for now but continue ESE. My friends are concerned and think I’d heal faster if I stopped ESE–are they right?
I don’t talk to anyone about my goals really. It’s no ones business but mine. If someone shows interest then I will tell them what I do, because then you still have your power.
I don’t know the reasons for it, but if you tell people what you plan to achieve it is counterproductive. I don’t know if it what you are saying to yourself, or that it is like you need something from them. I mean why else bring it up out of nowhere?
If it is natural to come up then fine, that isn’t needy, but other than that, don’t broadcast. When you broadcast you feel a knot in your stomach and it makes it harder to reach your goal for what ever reason until you do a few days where you shut up about it again.
Be strong in your own identity and you will have the right approach. And when you reach your goal they will all want to know about it.
I am on Fatsecret. I now do it just for me. I don’t really do it for support for me because the fact is after I put on there that I was on Eat Stop Eat – people not only quit supporting me but started being MEAN to me. A few of their “helpful comments” really hurt too.
My husband just told me that their probably just angry that I am starting to see results – and they are still floundering – because ironically – the MEANEST of them are the heaviest…
My colleague is a nutritionist working in a private facility and he mediates these monthly support meetings for people who seeking weight loss.
Occasionally I sit-in on these support meetings for observation (and nothing else). What’s fascinating is that these support meetings comprise mostly of the same people month-after-month, year-after-year. The saddest part: they all look exactly the same, with some being heavier.
I often wonder if I misunderstood that the support is actually for weight gain.
Other than through my own blog, I make it a point to never discuss my eating lifestyle with anyone I’m with — there are just too many other interesting things to talk about.
If I’m in the middle of fasting when among these people, I’ll politely tell them “I’m not hungry.” That always quietly dismisses the topic. Other times I’ll join them with a glass of ice tea. Still other times, I’ll enjoy a meal with them. I never make eating (or not eating) an issue.
The best support you can ask from people in general is to not seek it in the first place.
Great post, Brad.
Best,
Johnny
Hi Brad!
I am like you in that I don’t need the social support. I don’t need people that I don’t know pumping me to lose weight on a support forum. I do this for me and how I feel. I know at what level I feel the best and I will get there the best way that I know how. The IF way of life is definitely the easiest way for me to control weight. Our job requires eating out a lot and I was always so stressed by this. I am so grateful that I can use this method and relax. I want to be healthy and therefore try to eat foods that are good for me but I also like the freedom to not feel guilty if I choose to have a dessert or two:) And one other thing. It is hilarious to watch the reaction of people if they do ask about what I do. IF is not an easily accepted form of diet. Most people have too close of a relationship with food and the thought of going without food, scares the willies out of them! So glad to be counted among the strong and brave!!
My problem with people asking is not necessarily privacy, but the fact that they are looking for an easy answer. The truth is if they were going to put forth the effort, they already would have. I do not like lazy bastards and I find the fat asses that spend hours in the gym and never see any results kinda repulsive. If someone is new to the gym or trying to get fit and better themselves, I will help them all I can. If not, I’d rather they stay the hell away from me and not waste my time. As for actually getting support in your endeavors, the people closest to you are usually the least willing to help.
Hi Brad…I agree with you also, I think weight loss is a private matter. And if a person is not experiencing the same dilemma (weight gain) how much support or understanding can they actually give you, and I don’t need any one’s approval. ESE gives you the freedom and right from the start a feeling of power and I experienced euphoria my first fast….awesome! I am just starting the program so I am excited.
It makes a difference that I have trustworthy people in my life who aren’t just nay sayers and are interested in health and thus we can offer understanding, intelligent conversation and tips to each other. My friends are great – most of them were very interested in ESE when I told them about it. I don’t feel a need to email them that it’s my fasting day, but at the same time, it’s great to feel free to tell them and not get any flack, unless they are worried that I’m doing it too often, etc. A good friend won’t meddle or sabotage, they’ll just look out for your well being. I would do IF even if they didn’t agree with me about it, and I don’t need to discuss it with *everyone*, but having that in common with people I like is a relief.
I’ve moved from country to country since i was born, and I think it has contributed to my introverted nature. I’m constantly having to make new friends, and honestly it got really tiring trying to tell everyone everything about myself. I’m am more than willing to share, but when the need arises. For example when a particular topic of discussion comes up naturally, then I will put in my 2 cents. Nowadays i’m surrounded by ppl in the facebook/twitter generation where everybody broadcasts every minute detail of themselves, so i sense that my friends can get annoyed at me for not telling them that i took a piss 2 mins ago, or what i had for lunch (or no lunch). I’ve always felt like the odd one out, which i’m fine with, but it’s nice to know there are like minded ppl here and not just specific to “dieting”, but about how to approach a rewarding and enjoyable life.
What an eye opening week. Today a great post, and before that an amazing podcast by Brad and John.
Hi brad, cool post. I feel this topic is subjective to your goals and among people. I understand it’s awkward, telling your friends and relations about wanting to lose weight. Especially in guys, it’s a question of ego most of the time. Like it or not, I have to admit that it’s a problem for me! But for others, it may just be a question of bashfulness or apprehension of being ridiculed by friends. But I’ve found that if you are “loud and proud” about your goals, it makes it easier from a psychological point of view. First of all, it’s sort of spelling it out verbally and does give one a boost in motivation. Also, if our friends are cool about it, all the more swell. You have your own intimate cheerleading squad!
But personally, I feel that working out with a buddy really helps you to up your intensity. This invariably leads to greater gains!
Btw, ESE is the bomb!
Brad,
I wholeheartedly agree with your take on social support… Keep up the great work. Eat, Stop, Eat is so SIMPLE & yet so EFFECTIVE.
I dont need social support, all I need is too look in a mirror, shop for smaller clothes & thats all the support I need to back up what im doing is working. I also like to eat without guilt and I now know if I over eat for a few days in a week on “junk” I can control any adverse weight effects through fasting.
I will admit the health effects of some ingredients does bother me. I read labels, I talk about it with my son. We chat about why there is so much crap in a product, ie because it will make more profit, you add junk to stretch it further, so you can make more money, not people healthier!
Sometimes I share what I do with people. Most often they do not know how to reply about fasting but thats ok, I keep it simple by saying “its the easiest way I know to control weight. I dont have to think anything except… hmm I ate too much … I think I will fast for 24hrs”
a – Exercise to remove weakness from body
b – “Diet” to remove unnecessary baggage
a+b = h
h being happy, healthy etc
The real bottom line for me is people can not argue with results. They will look at you, they will contemplate…they figure what to say, but then …hehehehe whats to argue about?
Thanks Brad for all your work!
GREAT post! I lost over 100 pounds (and have kept it off two years so far). I wanted and needed support (online) for my exercise efforts, but I didn’t want that for my eating. ESE is a great tool for me to re-set my appetite, body and thinking when I’ve gotten a little off-track and I’m happy to share it with someone who is interested, but I don’t broadcast the fact that I’m fasting. Or eating a peanut butter hot-fudge sundae.
Do whatever works for you! I would share ESE with others that do it also because they understand how awesome it is.
GREAT book. I love it, it changed my mentality toward food/fasting completely. THANK YOU BRAD PILON!
when my co-workers find out I fast 1-2 days, all of them lecture on the side effects that can it cause to my health. All of them are over-weight, all of them know no more than I do about nutrition but all of them have an opinion about my nutrition regimen. Since then, I kept my nutrition regimen to myself
Good post Brad!
I’ve been doing ESE for almost 1-1/2 months now and I’ve trimmed down from 86 kgs. to 78 kgs. and I’m proud of my accomplishment! I eat when & what I want, but moderately of course. I do workouts 2 to 3 times a week. I want to lose 16 kgs. more.
I mix ideas from all of you – Isabel, CB, Mike G and you Brad. Thank you, guys!
I am 59 years old, losing body fat and building up muscles! Wouldn’t you feel good about it? Well, I am! Yes!
Social support? Sorry, I don’t need it. But, honestly, I like their appreciative look.
You can never get unconditional support as people are too damn opinionated! (Yes that is my opinion
! ). I had to comment because I think ESE is wonderful. All your mails strike such a chord and are full of common sense.
We had a major festival recently and I still lost weight! However people look at me disbelievingly when I mention fasting. I don’t understand why anyone would not want to do such a brilliant and easy thing. ESE is one of the things I do sincerely. I mean put a block of chocolate cake in front of me (during my fast) and I will not be tempted! I think that says a lot for your work. Not because I am particularly greedy but yes I do love chocolate and to some extent eating.
Still reading ESE – have’nt finished it yet, but it is so interesting!
P S: Oh yeah I have lost over 15 pounds – majorly I believe through ESE. I have started losing weight after three years of being almost 30 pounds overweight.
Hi Brad
I like to keep it private when I am on a diet, as people tend to know always better. I keep it to myself. I still think your ESE is the best ever. Best book I have ever bought. Now I eat healthy food most of the time, do my fasting, and when I want to eat a chocolate or a pizza etc now and then, then I don’t feel guilty.
Thanks Brad
Some people are needy and seek validation/permission from others before they do anything. That’s an issue that they really need to deal with in the long term. If your self esteem is solid you don’t need to tell anyone anything that’s personal about yourself.
As a general rule I never tell anyone if I am fasting. I might if I am talking to someone that I know has similar interests in health and fitness and I trust that they won’t be critical about it. But, otherwise there is no need to “spill the beans”. I also HATE talking about my gym workouts. People can be so polarized about weight training systems I just don’t bother going there. I also train solo, the only training partner I would ever consider would be my identical clone… (sorry girlfriend xxx)
I guess the question is should we provide support to needy people or are we providing a crutch for their problems?
I now keep it private. Inevitably, if I told people I was fasting, I would get one of five reactions:
1) a not-too-subtle look of terror (as if I was some sort of lunatic or member of a cult)
2) the “oh I could never do that” reaction, which would be followed with “if I don’t eat every 30 minutes my blood sugar will crash and I’ll die”
3) the “you’re going to ruin your metabolism and totally balloon when you stop fasting” – to which I always wanted to say, “Please don’t lecture me on something you know nothing about. I’ve been doing this for 12 years and I’m a healthy weight – If you’re 50 lbs overweight, you don’t get to lecture me on health and nutrition”
4) the “that is SO dangerous” comment
5) some sort of stupid comment about not getting enough protein (which being a vegan I get everyday – usually by some tubby genius who asks “where do you get your protein?!?”
Sorry if this turned into a bit of a rant. But it felt good to get it off my chest. Great topic, by the way!
One more thing – I think I saw a comment about the “crabs in a bucket.” So true – generally it seems people don’t want to see you succeed. I hate to say it but I find it’s family members and friends who really want to lead me astray when I’m doing well. Kind of a sad comment on society really. Or the company I keep…
That’s a shame. I told a family member yesterday that I’ve lost 20 pounds and she congratulated me. I got another congratulation today, so it’s been all good for me. Then again, I’m not “skinny” yet, I’ll see how that goes.
Really agree with Steve (esp comment no 2 – this people give me when they claim they desperately want to lose weight…hello apparently not desperate enough!).
Its shocking how weak we are..totally at the mercy of food….
I mean point no 2 of his first comment
Brad Pilon Blog – Should You Seek Social Support … Yes or No?…
Dieting – Ive come almost full circle on my opinion of needing social support for weight loss. Personally I dont want (or like) social support….
Brad Pilon Blog – Should You Seek Social Support … Yes or No?…
Weight Loss – Personally I dont want (or like) social support. Ive come almost full circle on my opinion of needing social support for weight loss….
Should You Seek Social Support … Yes or No?…
Weight Loss – I…
This was a great article. I’m happy to see someone standing up for those of us who don’t want every miniscule detail of our lives blasted into the public domain, and who don’t take a public opinion poll when we make decisions about our own lives.
That being said, it’s great when someone (or some two, but not necessarily more) people whose opinion you respect say you’ve done well and to keep it up. That’s support.
It’s very difficult to keep offering “support” to someone you love who’s been ruining their health with 150 extra pounds for 20 years. You run out of energy and things to say that don’t sound critical and interfering. It’s fun to “support” people who make their own decision, stick to it, and achieve their goal. Three cheers from me for anyone who does.
Three cheers for you Brad for this great book and the tools it offers.